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J. K. Coltrains Unofficial Guide to Often Used Music Terms

Indie Artist - An independent artist is a poor broke musician that gets to pick his own music.

Nashville Number System - A musical system designed to help hillbillies like me play a song when more than 3 chords are involved.

Exit Stage Left - Usually means go out the way that you came in cuz the other door often times leads to the basement.

New Country - It's what ya get when you take a country boy, singing a pop song backed by a 60s or 70s rock n' roll band. (note: Country boy is optional)

Soundman - That's the guy that just sits back there making me sound funny while all the time telling me how bad I messed up.

Road Manager - He's the guy, or gal, often referred to as the bands babysitter or referree. His primary job is to make sure that it doesn't come to blows while we are out on the road.

Lighting Tech - The guy that keeps shining those real bright lights in my eyes and tellin' me not to blink. He also used to use the bright colored lights to make me look sexy on stage, but now uses very dim colored lights to accomplish the same thing.

Merchandising Manager:- The person that refuses to let me give away stuff to the good looking women.

Nashville Number System - A musical system designed to help hillbillies like me play a song when more than 3 chords are involved.

Transportation Coodinator: - Makes sure that everything and everybody ends up some place close to where they are supposed to be an hour or so after they are supposed to be there. He is often called the bus driver and is also often is the highest paid guy at the show.

Promoter/Agent - He is the one that tells ya where to go and tends to get downright upset when you tell him exactly just where he can go.

Tour Manager: - The person who locates hotels far from the venue, restaurants that are always closed when we get there, and seems to use kilometers and miles interchangeably.

Venue Manager: - The venue owners on site representative, in change of everything at the venue... I'd tell you more about this person, but so far I haven't been able to find him.

JK Thought of The Day
I was listening to Lil Jimmy Dickens saying that the wardrobe was 50% of the act and I was thinkin' that if that is true then a whole lotta of todays country acts are in deep, deep trouble. It seems the guys have all lost their hats and are down to just a t-shirt left to wear and the gals have got their belly buttons showin' and their udder parts threatening to BUST out and it looks as tho both have lost their good britches and are down to wearing their work clothes with the holes in the knees and stuff.

The Hillbilly 10 Commandments

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma &Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nuttin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.

JK Coltrains Country Caravan

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